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Monday, October 17, 2011

To Feel Someone Inside You..

I'll pull on your hair if you'll pull on my hips. Bring me closer because I need to feel you all over.
    It's about 4 am and a cool breeze blows through my window as my blinds make a shutter which wakes me up. You're laying next to me, not even affected by the shuttering above your head. I can't help but stare deeply at your unconscious face. It's so blank. Yet I can read your whole life story just staring at your sleeping face. You aren't a loud sleeper, but definitely a deep one. I lean up onto your chest and put my nose under your chin (you always sleep on your back, which seems so uncomfortable). You have this distinct scent.. not like a cologne or body wash... but like the actual smell of your skin. It's like a get a small high as I take a deep breathe in and inhale your scent.
    I'm so in love.
    Our bodies are pressed tightly together, and they fit perfectly, like two pieces of a puzzle that are custom created for one another. My room is so cold, and your body is giving off so much heat, I can't help but snuggle myself into your body warmth. You are everything I've ever dreamed of.. All I've ever wanted.
    There is no place in the world, at that moment, that I would rather be than lying naked in your arms.


To Deal With Whatever Life Throws At You..

I believe everything happens for a reason.
People change so you can learn to let them go.
Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they are right.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. 
- Marilyn Monroe
    It hasn't been long since I've written, just a long time since I've actually published any to my page. Seems as if every time I write an emotional, kick-ass blog entry, I just get a change in emotion and choose not to hit publish.
    But here I am, sitting on the small recliner in my room, with a million things on my mind and no words to say how I feel...
    Life has never been easy for me. From being a child, to young adult, up until now as a 21 year old woman, I've always seemed to have to face the most difficult obstacles. I'm just so used to dealing with the worst that nothing seems to surprise me anymore.
    Life is just a constant battle of working to the top.. getting knocked on your ass.. picking yourself up.. and going right back at it harder than before. There's a million things a day to stress about but only a handful of things actually worth letting yourself get worked up about.
    For the first time ever, I can honestly say I am sure of what I want for my future. To have good health, a partner to be with through it all, a job in my own spa, a decent income, happy family... I will not.. WILL NOT let anyone or anything get in my way of achieving these goals. I think that if more people had this attitude themselves then they wouldn't have the time to try to ruin the good things that other people have.

Everything happens for a reason I guess is what I'm rambling about...

We only have one life to live.. there's no redo button. (I wish!)

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The Inevitable...

Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. 
- Garth Brooks 

All I smell is rubber and the sounds coming from the machines in the room are freaking me out. We've been waiting for what seems like 3 hrs now and we have yet to see a doctor. My dads laying on the bed with a gown on that makes him look like a little old man and his eyes are glassed over.. Looks like he's about to cry.

I haven't been to a hospital since I was 18 and I had my tonsils removed which was by far the most excruciating surgery of my life. I'm actually quite afraid of hospitals.. It's a place where so many lives come into the world, as well as leave. But I'm sitting here.. on this flimsy chair.. pretending to be occupied with my phone as the nurse draws blood from the guy on the bed across from us.

I think as children we never imagine our lives without our parents.. It's like they are indestructible. Then the second one of them gets sick it's like a complete low blow out of no where and we don't know what to do or how to feel. It was always them telling us what we should do to stay safe and healthy growing up, but now as i have become my own adult.. I see myself looking out for my parents health and giving them my opinion on their life decisions.

Mom.. Put on the sunscreen..
Dad.. Did you take your medicine ?

If you think about it.. we owe them as much time as they need since they cared for us for numerous years of our lives it's the least we can do in return.

It's just scary which is what I was trying to get at with all of this.. Scary when people you love are in pain and you don't know what is going to happen next. You know, I wish life was like one of those books where you can choose your own ending.. Get a chance to see both conclusions of how the story can go and then you can make the final decision.

But that's not how life goes. You never know what is going to happen next. You just have to be strong and hope that it all works out in your favor.

Monday, August 1, 2011

To Grow Up..

"happiness comes with the capacity
to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to
think freely, to risk life, to be needed."

    In exactly 54 days... I will be turning 21 years old. A day I have been waiting for since I first learned what alcohol and bars were.. yet the excitement I felt up to this point has begun to be taken over by an actual knot in my stomach. When did I grow up?
       At work the other day, my friend Nicole and I were discussing how amazing it is that we are soon going to be legally aloud into bars, and it sort of hit us as a shock.. 21. The thought that we would never be kids again sent an uncomfortable chill throughout our bodies. Turning 18.. 19.. even 20 are just less intimidating ages.. but 21.
     As I was laying in my bed this morning, I replayed all of my birthdays since the age of 16, and honestly I cant believe it's been 5 years since my sweet 16, seems like it was just yesterday. It's like our whole youth we always want to be one year older.. one step closer in life to where we want to be.. it's never good enough.. until you turn 21.. now I wish I could go back a year every birthday. 
    I get so emotional when I think about never being a teenager again. I mean, I've had the responsibilities of an adult for a very long time, but just the fact of telling others around me that I'm an adult.. and actually being recognized as one actually creeps me out. Like this is it.. this is the prime of my life.. I always told myself as a teenager that I would be doing so many things by the time I turned 21, and here I am and I definitely have a lot of expectations to live up to. 
    I guess it doesn't make sense to those who are still so young and naive, but hopefully, those who are at that point or way beyond it can relate to me in the fear of growing old.. of never being a kid again.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Sometimes I am happy..

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect.
It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.

     I've been having trouble sleeping these past few weeks.. I'm not sure if it's the new stress from my job, or just my anxiety kicking in. As I lye awake in my bed at night, I gaze out into the pitch black room and replay recent events in my mind over and over again.
     The man I love more than anyone in the world is not but 2 inches from my face.. lying on his back with his arms tucked behind his head. He's breathing heavy, yet making no sound, and his body is giving off an overabundance of heat, which I find myself using for comfort every night to fall back asleep. And he's completely out cold.. not aware one bit that I am lying next to him, eyes wide open, over analyzing every event of my life over and over again in my mind. 
    I find myself sobbing, quietly, yet loud enough for him to turn over and notice the tears pouring out of my eyes. He wraps his arms around me and tells me to breathe in and out slowly and not worry about things that haven't even happened yet. And in his arms, I find some sort of peace.. comfort.. happiness. 
    It takes him only a few minutes to fall back asleep, and even though I am still crying, I soon find myself asleep as well.. 

    Happiness can be defined in multiple ways, but I think it's different for everyone, for everyone has different things that bring joy to their lives. He is my happiness. 
    We are far from perfect, but I think that's what makes us so compatible.. the fact we differ in so many ways and come from such different backgrounds.. and can still find each other inside the other's heart. 
     We have been through more battles then two should endure at our age and I honestly can say nothing and NO ONE will come between the two of us.. because what we have is something we will not find anywhere else.. it's happiness. Pure, genuine happiness.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Now & Forever..

you can't expect to find the right someone 
until you know who you are,
what matters to you,
and what makes your heart happy.

   He was snoring so loud I actually woke up out of a dead sleep. It's always around 4:30 a.m. when his snoring gets really loud, but I don't mind. It's one of those weird little things that the person you love does that would normally drive you crazy. But I would be completely lost if he wasn't here doing it. 
    Just like right when my alarm clock goes off, and I hit the snooze button so many times that I'm actually late. He rolls over and just wraps his abnormally long arms around my entire body, and just pulls me in. Without even having to say anything, his body tells me good morning and I love you. To be able to share a bed with the man you have been through so much with and still have the same amount, if not, more love for one another than the first time, it's remarkable. I can honestly say that our love is real. Real, pure, unconditional love.
   They always say that you never realize what you have until it's gone, which in our case was so true. It took an awful event.. terrible decisions.. bad choices.. to make the two of us realize how dumb of an idea it was for us to be apart.. Two human beings such as ourselves, who love one another as passionately and deeply as we do, should not fight fate.. shouldn't fight the future that life has in store for us. We both knew deep down in our hearts what was supposed to be, where we were meant to end up, who we were supposed to love and spend our lives with.
   So this morning, with our bodies pressed firmly and perfectly against each others, waiting for the second snooze alarm to go off, we comfortably looked into each other's eyes. No pain, or confusion, or second thoughts, just two people who genuinely had unconditional love for one another. <3

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I'm not sorry for being different..

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery,
none but ourselves can free our minds.
    It had to be the winter time, maybe early December, and I was about 15 years old. I sat at my small vanity and brushed my long blonde hair that reached down to the middle of my back. I stayed up late the night before, as I did every night, to rummage through my closet and pick the perfect outfit, along with wake up extra early to flat iron my hair. I had to be perfect.. I had to be like everyone else.

    As I grew up, I started to break away from what everyone else considered "cool" and started to really find who I was as an individual. Now, I don't think you will ever in your life be able to meet another human remotely similar to myself. 

    I think sometimes people get so consumed in worrying about what others think of them that they actually miss out on the chance to find out who they really are on the inside... I just find it a complete waste of time trying to make people see me as something I'm not when people should except me for me! If people don't want to except you for what you are, then they don't deserve you in their lives. 

   It really comes down to them being insecure & uncomfortable with themselves. I've noticed that even as I've grown into a young adult, I still face the drama that we try so hard to avoid. No matter where or what you do in life, it never really goes away. Girls will be girls, and if you are a confident, successful, secure woman, it's almost inevitable that those around you who are less secure about themselves will do anything and everything they possibly can to try and break you down. You just have to remember that you were given your body and personality for a reason, and it's your job to always be true to yourself and never be afraid to just be yourself!

   As I have written in permanent ink across my lower back, emancipate yourselves from mental slavery.. break away from the mold.. be who you were born to be.. 

Saturday, June 18, 2011

You're right.. my blog does suck..

Too many people get caught up in what could be instead of appreciating what is. Don't fall into that trap; appreciate what you have and who you have.Because the future can take it all away from you

I hate when I find myself doing something I claim to hate so much.. today.. as I sat in my bed with makeup halfway down my face.. I realized I'm missing something huge from my life.. something that makes me so happy.. writing.

I always make fun of people who put so much heart and passion into a hobby and then one day become too preoccupied to do it, and just toss it aside like it means nothing. I found myself going from writing my deepest thoughts and feelings everyday to not even looking at my work, or allowing myself to sit for a moment and let out how I feel with my writing. It's honestly pathetic.

If you really love something, nothing or no one should ever come between you and that thing.  I honestly feel like I have been dishonest with myself these past few weeks.. like I've been depriving myself of a self medication that has always been there for me when I needed it the most..

So.. as I sat on my bed today.. completely fed up with everything in my routine, pathetic life, I realized that I really wasn't being fair to myself. I need to write. I need to put it out there. Regardless of what anyone has to say about it.. or the feedback I get from it.. it's just something I need to do in order to be myself.

Say what you want.. no one is telling anyone to read this.. I could give two shits if the person reading this wants to or not.. hence the disclaimer right before you log on.. this is me and I need to be who I am.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Nook...

when you can't quite match your clothes 
or when you laugh at your own jokes 
that's when i love you.
   As I was laying on the couch the other night, snuggled up with my boyfriend, I found myself digging my head into his arm nook, right where his armpit begins. There's something about that spot on his body, my head fits perfectly, almost like we are two pieces to a puzzle. Then there's his scent, when I'm snuggled deep in his arms, I get this smell, not a cologne or deodorant but the actual smell of his skin, and it drives me absolutely crazy, the most sensual smell I have ever smelt. It sounds odd to say you like the smell of a man's armpit but it's just the scent that his body gives off that I find so irresistible.
   We find ourselves oddly attracted to things in the person we love that others may not understand. Like feet.. I absolutely despise feet, I find them to be the most disgusting thing on the planet. Yet, when I see the feet of the man I love, I'm totally fine I actually enjoy rubbing them. 
    I think that's what makes two people really in love, when you find things in one another that you can't live without, that others just can't understand. 

Monday, May 2, 2011

To fall over & over again..

he was never in my vocabulary
until one day… he became the only word I know.

     It's about 10 o'clock at night, and it's sometime in the late spring. The air isn't warm, yet comfortable enough to not have to wear a sweater, and the clouds are sharing the sky with a few small stars, which peek out along side the moon. His eyes are so blue, they almost glow, and we lay next to one another on my small blue blanket, just lost looking out at the water. The waves are quiet, not rough enough to make any noise, and I can smell the salt from the water as well as the scent of his skin as I lay my head on his chest. It's almost like our bodies are two pieces of a puzzle, and we fit perfectly together, my head fits just right in the nook of his arm and our legs are perfect lengths to compliment one another. We just lay there, not thinking about anything other than each other. And in that moment there's nothing else in this world I want to think about other than him.
     I never thought it was possible for another human being to be able to completely understand another, not until I met him, and I never thought I would be able to do the same. Yet as we lay on the beach, under the moon, I still feel as if I'm falling in love, after being in love for so long, like I'm still discovering him. The attraction between the two of us is electrifying, both sexually and mentally, almost like there is a magnetic pull whenever we are in each other's presence. My body has never been so connected to another, when he kisses my lips, I go numb and my entire body begins to heat up, and the blood rushes through every one of my limbs. When he touches my skin, chills shoot up my spine, and when we look in each other's eyes, I actually feel like he is inside of me, like he is in my body, in my mind, in my heart.
    The air gets colder as the night goes on, and we move closer and wrap the blanket as tight as we can around our entwined bodies. His hands are much bigger than mine, but they are locked tightly within each other. He whispers in my ear how he made the biggest mistake of his life and will never hurt me again, and that he loves me more than anything in this world and always has. And I honestly can say that I believe him. As we stare directly into each other's eyes, I am relieved to see that he is telling the truth.. his blue eyes are screaming to me how they will never make me cry again, never make me hurt, never break my heart again.

A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person..

a person who truly loves you will not let you go..
no matter how hard the situation is.
    As I scrolled through my blog entries last night, I noticed many about sex, and life, making mistakes, forgiving, but not one topic on a very important part of life... love
    In my 20 years of life, I have experienced a lot of different relationships and can definitely say that I have been in love. There were many times I was close to being in love, others when I was head over heels in love, and times when someone loved me yet the feeling wasn't mutual or vise versa. Love is great, and also dangerous.. it can bring your life to a level of happiness you never knew you could reach, or make you starve and cry for two weeks straight and completely ruin your life..
    Either way, a life without love isn't much of a life at all. I find myself at a very interesting point in my life right now, with love that is. Love can blind us from reality, but at the same time show us things that our brain can't see, things we can only see and feel through our hearts. Love makes you do the craziest things, it makes you feel things you've never felt before.
   It's not always easy though, as I've come to see these past few weeks, but if you really love someone with all your heart, anything is possible. You can overcome any obstacle and make it through even the hardest of times if you just have faith in your heart as well as the heart of the one you love. The number of things a human is capable of when under the influence of love is infinite.. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

To cease to feel resentment against..

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.

    How do we forgive? Is there a button in our minds that we can press when we have been hurt by someone we love in order to forgive them and accept the act in which they have done? Or is the act of forgiving sometimes mistaken for forgetting? It sounds so much easier to just forget something rather than to forgive, when you forgive you have to come face to face with the problem, accept it, and become okay with it. My whole life I have constantly been hurt by those around me, and either I have removed them from my life, or came face to face with the issue and accepted it and forgave them and moved on.
    I've never been one to hold grudges... As a kid, my siblings and myself would get into the ugliest fights, claim we weren't related anymore, and then find ourselves playing with one another that very same day. Even with my mother, we would participate in some of the nastiest, screaming fights, saying things we both knew weren't true, and still, we would forgive one another because we knew how much we loved each other, and that our love was worth so much more. It is though much easier to forgive when both people are in the wrong, it is so much harder to forgive when one side is the victim and the other has done the hurting.
    So why is it that when it comes to certain situations, we find it so much harder to forgive? Is it the fear of what others think that prevents us from opening our hearts to forgiveness? Or is it the fear that they will do the same exact thing all over again? The heart is such a delicate organ that we sometimes take for granted. What my heart endured these past few months was indescribable, yet I find myself opening it up yet again to the possibility of being hurt.
   Forgiveness, I think, is a trait that people worry can be mistaken for weakness. I know I sometimes feel like, "hey, if I forgive, will that make me look weak?'.. But how can you live your life thinking people won't constantly make mistakes? I mean, don't get me wrong, some mistakes are inexcusable and down right wrong, but ask yourself, have you ever made a mistake? Sometimes people have to make mistakes to see how terrible of a decision they made. An awful experience needs to be had in order to realize how good another is.. I'm not condoning making mistakes, but I am trying to explore forgiveness.
    Why is it we are so worried about what others will think of our own life decisions? After all, at the end of the day, I'm the one who has to answer to my own life decisions. What matters most is happiness, right?
    I know forgiving, especially in my own situation, will be a deed much easier said than done, but if I don't do it, two people could loose something that neither may ever experience with someone else. I think that with every relationship comes a story, and it's written in a really big book...
    I don't think our book is quite filled yet, in fact, I think it might be time to start a new chapter.
    I'm not exactly sure how to forgive, but I think fate will play a big part in helping me to learn how to..

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Keep on dancing till the world ends...

dance the night away
live your life and stay young on the floor
dance the night away
grab somebody, drink a little more...

     I splash my face with water, trying to wipe the taste of tequila from my lips, and to try to get myself out of the drunk slumber I am beginning to fall into. My hands have black smudges on them, from what used to be marked Xs, and my dress is hanging halfway off my shoulder. I can't feel my toes, my pumps are so tight and tall that they have officially cut off all circulation in my feet, but I'm so drunk I can't even notice.
    The bathroom attendant looks like she wants to punch me, it's now my fourth time in the bathroom, and I still haven't tipped her for the massive amount of towels she's handed me. My knees are a shade of red, from hovering the toilet bowl, and my hair, which was at one point perfect with curls and volume is now tied back in a messy bun off my sweaty, smudged face. It's about 2:30 am on a Thursday, I can't find my friends, and I have work in approximately 5 hours. As I pull my head out of the sink, I make my way out the doorway, through a crowd of overly intoxicated people grinding on one another, and back onto the dance floor where the DJ is blasting 'Beautiful Life' by Ace of Base..
    I'm not looking to meet anyone, or hookup with anyone. I just let the bass of the song rumble throughout my body, and run from my ears through my arms, down my chest, into my abdomen, between my legs, down my thighs, and into my feet. I can't see straight, I'm somewhere between 3 shots of Patron and 2 rum and cokes.. The music clears my mind of everything that's been raping my thoughts for the past few weeks and I let myself loose for that moment in time. I'm alone, yet surrounded by a room of people also letting go of the drama and stress of life, and I just keep dancing.
    Music is such a big part of my life, music is my life. I literally eat, sleep and breathe music. Music never lets you down. It doesn't stress you out, it never tells you your not worth anything, music never breaks your heart, it never walks out of your life when you need it the most. Music is always there...
    Tequila brings out something in me, almost like a person I'm afraid to be sober, a person who doesn't care what anyone thinks, a person who lives life for the moment. When my friends find me, we continue our night on the dance floor, all on similar levels of intoxication, all not caring about what we look like for once. I'm not an alcoholic or a party animal but sometimes you just have to let go of all your rules and stress and just get crazy. Let your mind free and let your inner animal out.
   Well, maybe I am a little bit of a party animal, but in 10 years from now when I look back at Ashley in her early 20's, I'll know I held nothing back and lived life to the fullest...

A prophetic declaration of what must be..

it's crazy how we always end up where we're meant to. how even the most ironic situations eventually teach you something you'd never dreamed you were going to learn..
    These past few months of my life, I've really become a firm believer in fate, in things happening for a reason, in ending up where we are meant to be. We constantly make decisions in our lives, which effect ourselves and others. Today, while I was at work, I really thought hard about all of the choices I have made in my life, and how each one has brought me to where I am today and where I will be tomorrow. Seems like I was a little girl with no worries just yesterday, I don't know how I let it pass so fast, but it did. 
    I've made some really poor decisions in my life, which have resulted in bad outcomes, and I've also had the people closest to me make even poorer ones, which ended in tragedy as well. We never realize how much we affect those around us with our life choices and actions. But back to fate...
    Fate is defined as something that unavoidably befalls a person. All of us have a destiny, something that we are supposed to be, a place we are going to end up, a life we are meant to live. Fate isn't just about where you will end up in life, I think it's also about who you will spend your life with. Like love. Is it possible for two individuals to end up together because it's what the universe had planned for them? I always hear people in love talking about how their love is fate, how they are meant to be together. I thought this was ridiculous growing up, but maybe it actually is possible for 2 people to end up together because they are supposed to be together...
   It's like when you are apart from someone for so long, you forget the way they smell, the way they feel, or taste, you can be away from them for months, years, yet the minute you see that person everything hits you like a bus. It's like there's a magnetic field between the two of you, a force, a pull, something making your heart overcome your mind..
   Is it because you are supposed to be with that person? Is it fate? Or is it just a rush of emotions or your heart having a nervous breakdown out of confusion and pain? 
   How do we control fate? Can we control fate?  Maybe sometimes it's best to let it work it's own course, regardless if we like what it has in store for us. After all, what's meant to be will happen. 

Sunday, April 17, 2011


  Life works in really funny ways.. it constantly lifts you up and then drops you just as fast. Today I feel like I'm outside of my body looking in on it, watching a young girl sort through her life, and try and find out who she is on the inside. We spend our youth discovering who we are, only to find one day that everything we thought we were is totally opposite of who we really are.
    I don't really have a goal with this entry... It's more like a vent session, so if you were expecting something funny, something about sex or asses, I'm sorry but this is going to disappoint you.
    Last night, for the first time in a long time, I spent my Saturday night listening to music, playing my guitar, and thinking about life. It was raining so hard outside, which went along with the mood I was in. I was home alone, sitting in my huge room, no makeup on my face, shorts and a tank top on. My music was on at a higher level, since the weather outside was overpowering the sound of Adele's soft, yet amazing voice coming out of my laptop.
    I never thought 20 would be such a rough year in my life, this year has thrown more at me than all 19 years that came before.. I've experienced extreme love, tragic heart break, emotional depression, sexual exploration, intense physical changes, and total life changes. This one year has felt like seven, and it's crazy that I'm still sitting here able to write to you about it.
    The heart is really such a powerful organ, it overcomes your brain and your soul and can affect not only your thoughts, but your body as well. As I sat in my room last night, strumming my guitar over the sound of the rain, I tried to clear my mind of all the stress and events that I have been dealing with these past few months. And I cried...
   For the first time in weeks, I sobbed, alone, in my bed. As the rain crashed hard against my window, my tears coincided, and I don't know why I was crying. All is going well for me. I'm doing so well at school, I'm making a lot of money at work as well as with my makeup career, I have amazing friends who would do anything for me, I'm physically in the best shape of my life and look extraordinary naked...
    I just cried. Maybe it was just a build up of everything that I've been through, or maybe it was just my heart trying to talk to me, trying to communicate with me. What is my heart trying to tell me? Can we really ever know what our heart is trying to tell us?

Monday, April 11, 2011

To sleep with your friend..

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them."

    'Friends with benefits' can be the greatest thing ever, and can also ruin your fucking life. In my time here on Earth, I've definitely tried the whole 'friends with benefits' thing many times. For those who don't know, this means having someone in your life who you are not in a serious relationship with, someone like a friend, and having sex with this person. There's no messy emotions, or strings between the two of you, just two friends who happen to have sex. This has the potential to actually be very rewarding if you both are willing to have sex and no more, but when one side begins to develop feelings, it can result in tragedy.
     Sex is a fun, enjoyable experience, but as humans, there's no denying that we become emotionally and chemically connected to another person through the act of sexual intercourse. From my experience with 'friends with benefits', it has never ended well. I guess I have some male qualities about me where I can have sex with a guy, and not become emotionally attached. The day he started having feelings for me, it was like the chemistry between us went away, and it went from being something fun and easy, to complicated and painful.
    Other times, I've found myself fooling around with a good friend, and then one day realizing that I couldn't get the image of this person out of my head. I would crave their presence, want their touch, starve for their attention. It got to the point where I was in love with a man who only liked me for the sex. It was awful. I understand now, later in my life, that I made him believe that that was all I wanted... rough, emotionless, hard sex. But inside, I think I was just a young girl, who wanted attention anyway I could have gotten it.
    Of course now, as I have matured and grew a better understanding of life and lust, I would be able to make the decision of how I want to create a relationship with someone, and stick to it. I feel like it's not just women who have trouble not falling for someone emotionally in a beneficial friendship, it's men as well.
   Like Beau and myself, our relationship... don't get me wrong, maybe one day the two of us can use the intense sexual attraction we have and maybe spark it into something more, but right now, the uninhibited lust we share is something I wouldn't trade for anything.
    To conclude, if you have reached a level of maturity in your life where you see yourself able to sleep with a friend and have that be it... then do it. Just remember that once you get your heart mixed up in it, someone can really end up getting hurt.

Moving on..

 "stop waiting and just go for it.
do you really have time to second guess yourself?"

     I couldn't stop thinking about it today. It's been a month, maybe even more. For some reason, today while I was at work, the whole situation replayed over and over in my head. I could feel the anger rush through my body, that same pain started to develop in my chest, and thoughts started flashing through my head. I can't not think about it sometimes. How can you spend such a large amount of time with someone and then just completely erase them from your life? Is there like a button you can push to make you forget about someone like he did to me?
    I'm not thinking about him in a good way, not missing him at all, I would never want to be in that again, but I can't help but replay the awful way it ended, the pain I suffered, and the tears I cried. How is it two people can share so much time and love together, and then one day it's just completely erased? 
    I've had no problem moving on, as in going out, meeting new men, dating, hooking up, that's not it. It's just I want to be able to offer my whole heart to a man, but how can you do that when you just had it broken so badly? As women, how do we know when we are truly ready to give ourselves to a man in a relationship?
    I want a relationship. Well, eventually. I know I write about sex and other bold subjects, but in reality, I'm a one-man type of girl. I like being in a monogamous relationship, of course a sexual one, but I'd like to find someone who is willing to be okay with my openness and humor, and to be exclusive with. I just feel like right now I'm what some would call damaged goods. But am I really damaged? Or am I just afraid?
    After getting your heart completely ripped out of your chest and stomped on, the thought of even giving your heart out again is scary ass shit. Are we supposed to love with caution for the rest of our lives just because someone was once careless with our emotions?
    I'm going to try to love. I'm going to put myself out there, if I don't do it now, I never will. 

Sunday, April 10, 2011

White girl wasted..

"No matter what you deserve to smile.
Don’t let anyone take that away from you."

    I had a surprisingly good weekend, which began Thursday, and is coming to an end now as I sit in a Starbucks and attempt to study for an anatomy exam I have Tuesday. I have successfully ate a huge brownie as well as listen to the entire new Bayside album, and not once have I actually opened up my textbook.
    I have really great friends, I don't think I've ever mentioned them in my blogs yet, but I will. Lorraine and I were introduced about a year ago, through esthetic's school. All I remember was this loud, Italian girl who had perfect hair and an 'I don't give a flying fuck' attitude and I knew right then and there that I would have to get to know this girl. A friendship of course followed and I now really am so grateful to have her in my life as a good friend as well as real person. 
    As I sat in class Thursday, my leg shook anxiously as I waited for the clock to read 10 pm, with my attention long gone and my stomach growling. We didn't plan on going out, but somehow Lorraine and myself found ourselves planning out a night of getting white girl wasted and dancing. White girl wasted is the best kind of wasted to be, for those who don't know what it is, if you ever go to a party or bar you will see that different types of people experience different kinds of drunks. White girl wasted is just drunk taken to a totally different level. White girls have a tendency to get drunk to the point of no self control and make awful decisions. Always a good time lol.
    Anyway, Thursday night turned out to be quite an EPIC experience as it always is with me and Lorraine. We somehow managed to land ourselves in VIP at a nightclub somewhere with full bottle service and men with a lot of money.
    I pretty much went out every night since then and finally got to sleep today after completely running myself down from excessive partying and staying out all night. I don't party that much, I just sometimes get into party mode, and can't seem to shake it off once I'm in it. It usually lasts about 3 days, maybe 4.
    So anyway, I'm gonna get my textbook actually attempt to study for my test Thursday. 

Thursday, April 7, 2011

A lovely dream..

    Last night I had the most intense sex dream of my life... I was walking down the beach, the air was warm and I was holding a pair of flip flops in my hand as I dragged my feet gently through the water. It had to be late in the afternoon, sometime between the sun going down and the moon coming out, and the air was warm yet blew softly through my hair. I wasn't alone.. along side me was a man who I still can't seem to put a name to. Tall & young, with dark hair and light eyes. When we get to the point in my dream where the actual action begins, we are laying on what I think is a blanket and now the moon has completely come out and is shining so vividly on the side of his face, which is beautiful. 
     As he kisses my neck, I can feel his heart beat through his chest, which is firmly pressed against my upper body, and his breathing is just as heavy as mine. The smell of his skin is distinct, yet sensational and the taste of his mouth is sweet and unlike anything I have ever tasted  before. His body is much larger than mine, and his body movements overpower me, and make me feel like I am weightless...
    The sex is hard, yet passionate at the same time. The thrusting coincides with our breathing and the sensational ending that comes is so realistic that I actually wake up in a sweat. As I laid in my bed, I could actually smell his skin, I can lick my lips and taste him, I can feel him on top of me, holding me down. 
     All day I couldn't break the image out of my head of what I had dreamed about... could I be subconsciously telling myself that I'm lacking a certain action in real life? Or could I just be exceptionally horny? Never before have I had such an intense dream, to the point where I actually wake up from what felt like an orgasm. 
   Is it possible for a female to actually have an orgasm from a dream? I know men can ejaculate in their sleep but never have I heard of women doing something similar.. maybe I'm the exception. Either way, I loved the dream, and I really hope my mystery man visits me again soon !

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Love yourself...

     "your vision will become clear when you look 
into your heart. who looks outside, dreams.
who looks inside, awakens."

     It's an average Tuesday morning, and it's about 7:23 am. I just got out of the shower, and I'm somewhere between being awake and asleep. As I stand in front of the mirror, I glance at my reflection, sliding the towel that was wrapped around my chest down my body and kick it to the side of my room. My bodies cold, the air is brisk and my hair is still damp, which can be a large factor in the sudden rush of chills running along my body. My skin is white, yet colorful and youthful, shimmering from the small water droplets that still sit atop my skin.
     My legs are long, yet muscular, and my arms are spotted so gently with freckles.. my eyes are a deep shade of blue, yet reflect a bit grey as the sun slowly creeps through my window. My stomach looks longer than usual, and my breasts are tense, my skins tight from the temperature of the room.
    I stare into my own eyes, and look at the person in the mirror, deep inside the girl looking back at me. I know her so well, I really get a deep understanding of her as I stand alone, naked, mesmerized by the person in front of me. I honestly have come to the point in my life where I am able to look at the person in the mirror and actually know who she is.
    To some of you, this may sound odd. Who looks in a mirror at the age of 20 only to just see who is in the reflection? But to others, getting to that point in your life is a huge accomplishment we have been waiting for forever..
    It is very important to be able to look into the mirror at yourself and really enjoy the person looking back at you. You may not be what others want you to be, but if you are what you want to be and what you are content with being, then you have succeeded. And if you love the person you are looking at, then there is someone else out there who will look at the same person you are looking at with the same amount of appreciation and love...

To love someone who has an addiction..

"life kicks you around sometimes. it scares 
you and it beats you up, but there's one 
day you realize you're not just a survivor, you're a fighter. 
you're tougher than anything life throws your way, and you are."
    What do you do when someone you love is doing something terrible to themselves? And what do you do when there is absolutely nothing you can do about it? I find myself asking that question everyday in my mind and I still have yet to come up with a successful answer. Someone I care a great deal about is suffering from a horrible addiction that is completely ripping their world apart. It eats me alive seeing this person destruct right in front of my eyes, and all I can do is sit back and watch.
    You can try and try to say and do everything you can but sometimes people just refuse to let anyone help them. It's actually come to the point where I can't even be around this person, look at this person, even feel for this person. 
    When is it the right time to completely eliminate someone from your life? Especially when the person you want to erase is supposed to be such a large part of it? I find that talking to people in similar situations has always given me the most comfort with this problem. I just have really gotten to a breaking point with this person and it just kills me to see them suffering so much as a result of their own behavior and decisions.
    It's very important, if you are also a person who loves somebody with an addiction, to remember that you should never loose focus on what your goal is in life. It at times can be really hard to focus on your own life when you're worried about someone else's, but you can't let their bad decisions hold you back from succeeding at life like you were meant to. Stay strong and positive.. and remember your not the only one who loves someone who suffers from an addiction <3

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

bottoms up, bottoms up, throw yo hands up..

"I feel like people get lost when they think of happiness as a destination. We’re always thinking that someday we’ll be happy. You know, we’ll get that car or that job or that person in our lives that fixes everything. But happiness is a mood and a condition, it’s not a destination. It’s like being tired or hungry; it’s not permanent, it comes and goes, and that’s okay. And I feel like if people thought of it that way, they’d find happiness a lot more often."

    The music is so loud, I can actually feel a vibration throughout my body.. my hair which started off as big and curly is now flat and messy, and my eyes that were bold and detailed are now smudged. My see through lace shirt has a tequila spill on the front and my mini skirt keeps riding up to the point of my ass almost being revealed. But that doesn't stop me. I'm dancing so hard I can actually feel blisters forming inside of my stilettos. 
    It's about 3 am, but time isn't even a factor anymore, and the music just seems to be getting better as the night goes on. For once, I'm not thinking about work, or school, or money, or men, I'm thinking about 3 things... dancing, my friends, and the glass of tequila that's glued to my hand. 
   I'm happy. Genuinely happy.
   For the first time in my life, at that point of the night, I realized that I didn't need a man to make me happy, or a ton of money, or a fancy car, I was just happy because I wanted to be happy.
    I was always the type of person who thought it was important to have a man in my life to keep my mind and body satisfied in the happiness department. A lot of people depend too much on others to make them happy day to day. If people can start seeing that happiness can be reached from within themselves than I think this world will be a much better place.
   Analyze your life for 3 seconds, stop and think about what makes you happy. What makes you happy? If your answer is anything other than yourself than I think you need to take some time to get in touch with the most important person... you.


     "Don't let your past dictate who you are, 
but let it be a positive part of who you become."

     I've fucked up a lot in my life. More than I'd like to admit. I've made bad decisions, which resulted in terrible outcomes. I've hurt those closest to me as well as pushed some of the greatest people out of my life. I've done the things parents warned kids not to do, and then some. 
    It's only natural for us as human beings to mess up and make a lot of mistakes. It's how we handle the situations after the decisions have been made which really say who we are as people. The only way to ever learn in this harsh world is to experience. You can read a million textbooks and study for hours, but the best method to fully understanding something is to experience is first hand. 
    When I was in high school, going away to college was never really an option, well I never thought it was, since no one in my family had done it and I just always expected myself to go to school locally to save money. But as the end of my high school career came closer, I had found myself beginning to rebel more and more from my mom and family, and going away to school was the best option for me at the time. 
    I went away to school upstate where I studied magazine journalism. The experience of living on my own, and being so far away from the home was an experience that I can not explain. What I learned in that year of my life will be in my back pocket forever. Due to financial issues, I was not able to afford going away to school for long, so I continued my education locally, which I found offered the same quality of learning. I really don't think a young adult can be in touch with who they are on the inside until they leave their home and do it on there own. Whether its going away to college, studying abroad, or moving out with friends somewhere other than home, it is the best way for a person to become who they really are meant to be. 
   I won't get into details of the events that occurred while I was studying upstate... but you can use your imagination.
   Pretty much what I'm trying to tell you is that you don't have to let the bad decisions that you have made in your past change who you are today or what you can be tomorrow. Whether it was men, school or even work, I have make poor decisions but never let any of them hold me back from being all that I can be today. I will use my past to make me who I will be tomorrow and the day after. Use your past to make you stronger, to make you who you are, to make you who you want to be.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Today I know that tomorrow will shine..

"Don't be scared to put it all on the line, to risk it 
all. Because after all, it's only when you have lost 
it all, that you are free to do anything, be anyone."
    As soon as the needle hit my skin, I could feel the palms of my hands build up with sweat and my heart begin to race. The rush of adrenaline was intense and my breathing became heavy. I closed my eyes and sat back, the pain now changing from what started out as pleasure to a deep, awful burn. I was on a path to finding myself, experiencing new things, living life on the edge. 
    This was my fifth time experiencing this, a tattoo of course...
    The design was one that I had sketched out in my head for what seemed to be years, but I had never found the time or place to get it done so I pushed it aside on my list of things to one day accomplish. So when the time came in my life when I wanted to get in touch with my inner self, I thought there was no better time for me to start working on that list.
   There's nothing quite like making rash, impulsive decisions in life to get in touch with that person we harbor inside. Whether its getting a tattoo, travelling to a European country, or completely switching up our life style, there is something about drastic change that fascinates the human soul.
    When I look back on the different stages of my life, I see myself as so many different people. With each season that passed, so did my personality, my life, my style, my everything. But I feel like everyone has different ways of dealing with the challenges that life throws at them. If that is true, then you can see that I have faced a lot of challenges considering I have had every hair color in the world and I've done things that most sane people would avoid doing. 
   Change can be a really scary word for some people. The thought of breaking the mold and stepping outside of the box can be threatening, but I've learned that sometimes you have to push your self over the edge and be something you've always wanted to be but never had the balls to be. 
    Life is too short to wait around and see what is offered. You will get no where in life if you sit on your ass and expect things to be handed to you. Step out side of the norm, do what no one expects, emancipate yourselves from mental slavery. Be an individual. Go get that tattoo you've always wanted, take the trip you have planned in the back of your head, talk to the man you pass everyday but never approach, put on the dress in the back of your closet and go out dancing, indulge in a huge piece of chocolate cake that you have refused yourself from eating for months. Sucks to say it but you and I both are going to die. And it's up to you, and only you to decide how you are going to live the precious time you have here on this planet.  

Sunday, April 3, 2011

False assumptions equal vain expectations..

"You don't ever see someone. You don't see them as who they are and who they need to be recognized as. You see them as who you need them to be."

    What is it about forbidden sex that is so mind blowing? As human beings, we always want what we can't have, we always do what we are told not to do. That rush from being rebellious streams through our veins when you know what you're doing is the wrong thing, when you're doing the forbidden. My whole life, I've always been someone who's curiosity has gotten me into trouble. From being a child and going against simple rules at home to being a young adult and breaking the rules, I have learned that some of the best things in life happen when you are breaking the mold. 
    There's like a chemical in our head that gives us a "high" when we do something bad. Something dangerous. Something Wrong.
I've always been against sleeping with men who are in relationships, because I've been that girl who's boyfriend was sleeping with someone else. The thought of even hurting a girl is the last thing I'd want to cross my mind, but sometimes the lust of doing something bad overcomes your inner conscious. 
    We will call him Beau, for obvious reasons...
    Beau and I started accidentally. It was one to many drinks, followed by good music, intense physical attraction, and eventually the both of us were lying naked next to one another, mind blown by the lustful, intensity of what we had just done. It was pure satisfaction. It was exactly what it was, and nothing more.
    It went on for a while, this delightful series of sexual indulgence. Some weeks more than others, and there was times when we wouldn't talk for weeks on end. This didn't matter. We could not see each other for a year, and be able to pick up right where we left off. We both knew what it was, we had a comfortable understanding of one another, an understanding that the only reason it was this amazing was because there was no emotions. Don't get me wrong, as people we really liked eachother, but there was no messy emotions, no hearts connecting, no jealousy or greed, no worry of trust, no love.
    As a teenager, your body becomes connected with a man just as much as your mind and heart. With age, you come to find that it's actually possible as a woman to sleep with a man and be sexual with out having to actually be mentally connected to the other. If you find that statement to be trashy, then you are reading the wrong blog. As a woman comfortable with my place in this world, I can say that me and Beau were only sexually connected, and nothing more.
    When I would confide in my friends regarding what we were doing, most would disagree with the situation. Which is understandable considering about 75% of my friends are in serious relationships. And what I was doing was frowned upon, I was being the other girl. But is it really so bad when it was strictly about sex and no more? What Beau and his girlfriend have is completely different than what the two of us had, I wouldn't want what they have, well at least not with him. What him and I did together was only as good as it was because I am not her.. 
    I guess the moral of this rant is that sometimes I feel like its okay to be a little bad... Sometimes you have go against all you believe if it's going to make you feel good, even if its only a temporary fix of happiness. Because if it wasn't me being the other girl, someone else will be, and why should I give up the amazing lust that Beau and I have just because it's bad. I guess it comes down to how far you want to bend your rules, how far you want to push yourself...

The good, the bad, & the really ugly breakup..

"It turns out that sometimes you have to do the wrong thing. Sometimes you have to make a mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful, but they are the only way to figure out who you really are ♥"

    It felt as if it was negative 10 degrees and I had just ran 4 miles... my chest felt as if it was on fire, like it was going to explode from the inside out. 
    This was painful.
    It was the summer before my 20th birthday when we had fallen in love. Madly in love may have even been an understatement. We were two completely different people who found each other when neither one of us were looking for anything at all. The connection that formed between us may not even be possible to put into words. We went from being two strangers, to one person. One soul. One heart.
    I'll never forget the night when I took from him what no other woman was able to. The look in his eyes, the intensity of his breathe, the tremble of his hands, the sound of his words, as he quietly whispered how this was what he had wanted forever.
    I showed him things that even the most curious of women would be hesitant to try. I opened his eyes to a world that he had never seen, a world he never will see again. A world that only two hearts that were supposed to be together could find. 
    So when it all fell apart, I did too.
    The reasoning behind the breakup was pathetic. It was thoughtless. It was selfish. Cowardly. It was a little boy [inside of a what I had thought was a man] trying to push away the one mature thing he had in his life. You don't spend that long with another human being to just turn around one day and tell them you don't want to change.. that you aren't yourself with them.
    Bottom line was, he was himself with me, he just wasn't ready to be that man.
    I'm a strong, ambitious, driven, successful young woman who has struggled and fought for everything I have gotten my whole life. He was a little boy who had everything handed to him. And when the waters got a little rough, he became a coward. He crawled back inside his shell and threw away the greatest thing he ever has, ever will, and ever can dream to have.
    It hurt. The pain was indescribable and I'm not going to even give him the satisfaction of describing the 2 weeks that had followed it. Lets just consider it 2 weeks of my life that I never want to relive. 
    Men are weak. While I was suffering and sorting out my life, he was finding his comfort in alcohol and even in the arms of another girl. In a sick sadistic way, I get reassurance in my mind knowing that what the two of them have is a result of how much he loved me. If I didn't make him feel the way I did when we were at our best, they would not be anything. For you to be able to impact a persons life that much that they need to stoop down to another level and fall into the arms of a lesser woman, well that says something about how much you affected someone's life. 
    I've been that girl, the girl the man falls into when he fell from someone better. It's a bad place to be. My heart goes out to her <3
    As I wrote all of this, it almost became therapeutic. I went from feeling down to what I want to say is inspired. Never again will I let a man do what he did to me. I will not allow myself to fill my mind with false hope. I won't lead myself to believe something when its not even there. When it never was a mutual feeling...
    Although I am not a religious person, I do believe in a higher power. I believe in karma. I believe in peoples wrong doings coming back and fucking them over in the end. He will get his.. for no man should ever put a girl through what I went through. 

Since this is a public blog, I will refrain from using names, unless given permission, so forgive me.