To be a closed door..

There was a time when you let me know,

what's really going on below

But now you never show that to me, do you?

     The blankets are completely wrapped around my body, tucked tightly underneath my sides and feet, yet the draft coming through my old windowsill is causing my body to tremble uncontrollably. I can't tell whether it's the nausea or the cold air that's making me shake but I can't stop, and the slight amount of moonlight coming in my window shows me a huge black stain on my pillow from what I would imagine is a result of my sobbing mascara eyes. 

     I wasn't crying when I first went to bed, but after an hour or so of my mind racing, I found myself in this situation. I'm breathing abnormally heavy and I can taste my tears as they drip from my cheek onto the side of my lip. 

     It's been a long time since I've broken down this hard. It's been a long time since I've second thought us, or questioned what we have worked so hard to become. I know it's me, it's all happening in my head. It's almost like I can't get in touch with my own heart, I can't hear what she's saying, or feel what she's feeling. I can't feel.

      I can't feel anymore. I want so much to open your eyes, because I need you to look into mine.

You

No matter what you say or do, 

there's nothing you can do to make people understand you..

     I died my hair fire red this weekend... I swore to myself that my days of changing my hair color as much as my underwear were over. But I found myself waking up every morning and looking in the mirror at my platinum blonde hair saying, "I need to do something bold." So I  did.. 

     My whole life was always this constant battle of me trying to express who I really was on the inside.. I think that's a battle a lot of people face throughout their lives. Getting tattoos, changing there styles, having certain hobbies, music, physical appearance. We express who we are on the outside because we are afraid people aren't going to understand us on the inside. 

     But in reality I don't think people ever really understand you.. I think the only person who gets to understand you fully is yourself. 

     I mean, why would you want someone to fully understand you anyway? Life is way more interesting when there's a challenge, when you have to actually think about what's going on inside another person's head. How much fun is that, when you already have someone figured out? Life's all about experiencing and learning. 

    Just remember that you will always be understood by one person, the one person who matters most, YOU. Even if you don't get yourself yet, don't rush it because once you do find him or her, it's beautiful.