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Friday, January 4, 2013

To live without air

As your car turns the corner, my palms get sweaty and my heart begins to race. Pressure then fills my chest and I find myself sinking into the seat, moving my body low enough where my eyes are even with the dashboard. My hands start to shake, and my left eye twitches. 

I have these amazing nights with you. Nights where I've never felt more alive, more happy, more at peace. You know I don't want to go home, and I think it kills you a little inside every time you pull up to my house. But I have to get out, I have to go in.

Home isn't exactly the best word in the situation. Lets say bed. I have to go to bed. Home isn't a location to me, more so a feeling of trust, relaxation, comfort, a place where I can live at peace, or something I feel when connecting with a person.

I remember being a little girl, getting so excited about going to a sleepover. I would pack way too many things just to stay over night, where we would watch silly movies and eat ice cream. But as soon as the lights would go out, and everyone was in their little sleeping bags, I would get an awful pit in my stomach. I would get up, go into my friend's parent's room and cry that I wanted to call my mom and go home.

The feeling of home to me now is different, not a place, but a physical state of mind. You carry it with you and share it with someone else in life.

But this place where you bring me is not home.

Addiction is what it is. It's a demon that overcomes a person's soul and makes them say and do things they would never think to say or do sober. It transforms the people you love into monsters.
The anxiety of not knowing what you will open the door to that day can make even the strongest of people break. Yet I've been doing it for so long you'd think I would have found a way to master it all. I have not. I may never. The best I can do is pick up all my broken pieces and find a way to better my own life. You can only try so hard to help someone you love, when you have been trying for so long. 

But I find hope, knowing that even though I am saying goodnight to you, I am not saying goodbye. I will see you again. And I will feel at home, because I have found the feeling of home inside you. I keep this in the back of my head as I walk through the door. 

There is a tomorrow and if tomorrow was anything like today, there is a reason to keep going.