Total Blog Views:

Monday, April 11, 2011

Moving on..

 "stop waiting and just go for it.
do you really have time to second guess yourself?"

     I couldn't stop thinking about it today. It's been a month, maybe even more. For some reason, today while I was at work, the whole situation replayed over and over in my head. I could feel the anger rush through my body, that same pain started to develop in my chest, and thoughts started flashing through my head. I can't not think about it sometimes. How can you spend such a large amount of time with someone and then just completely erase them from your life? Is there like a button you can push to make you forget about someone like he did to me?
    I'm not thinking about him in a good way, not missing him at all, I would never want to be in that again, but I can't help but replay the awful way it ended, the pain I suffered, and the tears I cried. How is it two people can share so much time and love together, and then one day it's just completely erased? 
    I've had no problem moving on, as in going out, meeting new men, dating, hooking up, that's not it. It's just I want to be able to offer my whole heart to a man, but how can you do that when you just had it broken so badly? As women, how do we know when we are truly ready to give ourselves to a man in a relationship?
    I want a relationship. Well, eventually. I know I write about sex and other bold subjects, but in reality, I'm a one-man type of girl. I like being in a monogamous relationship, of course a sexual one, but I'd like to find someone who is willing to be okay with my openness and humor, and to be exclusive with. I just feel like right now I'm what some would call damaged goods. But am I really damaged? Or am I just afraid?
    After getting your heart completely ripped out of your chest and stomped on, the thought of even giving your heart out again is scary ass shit. Are we supposed to love with caution for the rest of our lives just because someone was once careless with our emotions?
    I'm going to try to love. I'm going to put myself out there, if I don't do it now, I never will.