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Sunday, April 17, 2011


  Life works in really funny ways.. it constantly lifts you up and then drops you just as fast. Today I feel like I'm outside of my body looking in on it, watching a young girl sort through her life, and try and find out who she is on the inside. We spend our youth discovering who we are, only to find one day that everything we thought we were is totally opposite of who we really are.
    I don't really have a goal with this entry... It's more like a vent session, so if you were expecting something funny, something about sex or asses, I'm sorry but this is going to disappoint you.
    Last night, for the first time in a long time, I spent my Saturday night listening to music, playing my guitar, and thinking about life. It was raining so hard outside, which went along with the mood I was in. I was home alone, sitting in my huge room, no makeup on my face, shorts and a tank top on. My music was on at a higher level, since the weather outside was overpowering the sound of Adele's soft, yet amazing voice coming out of my laptop.
    I never thought 20 would be such a rough year in my life, this year has thrown more at me than all 19 years that came before.. I've experienced extreme love, tragic heart break, emotional depression, sexual exploration, intense physical changes, and total life changes. This one year has felt like seven, and it's crazy that I'm still sitting here able to write to you about it.
    The heart is really such a powerful organ, it overcomes your brain and your soul and can affect not only your thoughts, but your body as well. As I sat in my room last night, strumming my guitar over the sound of the rain, I tried to clear my mind of all the stress and events that I have been dealing with these past few months. And I cried...
   For the first time in weeks, I sobbed, alone, in my bed. As the rain crashed hard against my window, my tears coincided, and I don't know why I was crying. All is going well for me. I'm doing so well at school, I'm making a lot of money at work as well as with my makeup career, I have amazing friends who would do anything for me, I'm physically in the best shape of my life and look extraordinary naked...
    I just cried. Maybe it was just a build up of everything that I've been through, or maybe it was just my heart trying to talk to me, trying to communicate with me. What is my heart trying to tell me? Can we really ever know what our heart is trying to tell us?