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Sunday, April 3, 2011

The good, the bad, & the really ugly breakup..

"It turns out that sometimes you have to do the wrong thing. Sometimes you have to make a mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful, but they are the only way to figure out who you really are ♥"

    It felt as if it was negative 10 degrees and I had just ran 4 miles... my chest felt as if it was on fire, like it was going to explode from the inside out. 
    This was painful.
    It was the summer before my 20th birthday when we had fallen in love. Madly in love may have even been an understatement. We were two completely different people who found each other when neither one of us were looking for anything at all. The connection that formed between us may not even be possible to put into words. We went from being two strangers, to one person. One soul. One heart.
    I'll never forget the night when I took from him what no other woman was able to. The look in his eyes, the intensity of his breathe, the tremble of his hands, the sound of his words, as he quietly whispered how this was what he had wanted forever.
    I showed him things that even the most curious of women would be hesitant to try. I opened his eyes to a world that he had never seen, a world he never will see again. A world that only two hearts that were supposed to be together could find. 
    So when it all fell apart, I did too.
    The reasoning behind the breakup was pathetic. It was thoughtless. It was selfish. Cowardly. It was a little boy [inside of a what I had thought was a man] trying to push away the one mature thing he had in his life. You don't spend that long with another human being to just turn around one day and tell them you don't want to change.. that you aren't yourself with them.
    Bottom line was, he was himself with me, he just wasn't ready to be that man.
    I'm a strong, ambitious, driven, successful young woman who has struggled and fought for everything I have gotten my whole life. He was a little boy who had everything handed to him. And when the waters got a little rough, he became a coward. He crawled back inside his shell and threw away the greatest thing he ever has, ever will, and ever can dream to have.
    It hurt. The pain was indescribable and I'm not going to even give him the satisfaction of describing the 2 weeks that had followed it. Lets just consider it 2 weeks of my life that I never want to relive. 
    Men are weak. While I was suffering and sorting out my life, he was finding his comfort in alcohol and even in the arms of another girl. In a sick sadistic way, I get reassurance in my mind knowing that what the two of them have is a result of how much he loved me. If I didn't make him feel the way I did when we were at our best, they would not be anything. For you to be able to impact a persons life that much that they need to stoop down to another level and fall into the arms of a lesser woman, well that says something about how much you affected someone's life. 
    I've been that girl, the girl the man falls into when he fell from someone better. It's a bad place to be. My heart goes out to her <3
    As I wrote all of this, it almost became therapeutic. I went from feeling down to what I want to say is inspired. Never again will I let a man do what he did to me. I will not allow myself to fill my mind with false hope. I won't lead myself to believe something when its not even there. When it never was a mutual feeling...
    Although I am not a religious person, I do believe in a higher power. I believe in karma. I believe in peoples wrong doings coming back and fucking them over in the end. He will get his.. for no man should ever put a girl through what I went through. 

Since this is a public blog, I will refrain from using names, unless given permission, so forgive me.