Time..

Life's like an hour glass glued to the table..

So I find myself in a similar situation yet again...

I'm sitting alone in a small corner of the hospital waiting room. There's noises coming from all directions.. three TVs all on different channels are at full volume.. there's phones ringing.. and I can hear bits and pieces of conversations from everyone around me.

The woman next to me is reading what looks like a love novel, breezing through the book faster that I can probably read one paragraph. Her husband is in the operating room getting what I thought I heard the nurse say was heart surgery. Yet her face is completely straight as she buries her face inside her book.

The older gentleman across from me is sitting with a younger girl, picking at his hands in what looks to be anxiety, while his brother goes in for what I overheard was a double knee replacement.

And to my right diagonally, sits two young parents, holding each other's hands while their 4 year old girl is getting her tonsils removed and ears worked on. Their faces completely showing their fear and anxiousness.

Then there's me. My dad is undergoing surgery on his right shoulder, which should have been done years ago, where the doctor is going to try to repair whatever is left up there. I'm not nervous, I know he will be okay, but I find myself chewing on my nails as I look around this waiting room that is filled with so many different people from so many different backgrounds.

I think we take so much of what we have in life for granted. The one thing you can never get back is time. You can turn your life completely around from bad and make your dreams come true, but you will never be able to get back the minute that just passed.


Life is not easy, I've learned that the hard way, but we have to learn to appreciate those moments of joy as deeply as we can while they are here. Because time is not something you can ever get back once it is gone.


The room is slowly clearing out, each person going to those who are finished in the operating room. Still no news on my father but I am confident that he will be okay, because he still has a lot of life to go, a lot of time to live.

To be a closed door..

There was a time when you let me know,

what's really going on below

But now you never show that to me, do you?

     The blankets are completely wrapped around my body, tucked tightly underneath my sides and feet, yet the draft coming through my old windowsill is causing my body to tremble uncontrollably. I can't tell whether it's the nausea or the cold air that's making me shake but I can't stop, and the slight amount of moonlight coming in my window shows me a huge black stain on my pillow from what I would imagine is a result of my sobbing mascara eyes. 

     I wasn't crying when I first went to bed, but after an hour or so of my mind racing, I found myself in this situation. I'm breathing abnormally heavy and I can taste my tears as they drip from my cheek onto the side of my lip. 

     It's been a long time since I've broken down this hard. It's been a long time since I've second thought us, or questioned what we have worked so hard to become. I know it's me, it's all happening in my head. It's almost like I can't get in touch with my own heart, I can't hear what she's saying, or feel what she's feeling. I can't feel.

      I can't feel anymore. I want so much to open your eyes, because I need you to look into mine.

You

No matter what you say or do, 

there's nothing you can do to make people understand you..

     I died my hair fire red this weekend... I swore to myself that my days of changing my hair color as much as my underwear were over. But I found myself waking up every morning and looking in the mirror at my platinum blonde hair saying, "I need to do something bold." So I  did.. 

     My whole life was always this constant battle of me trying to express who I really was on the inside.. I think that's a battle a lot of people face throughout their lives. Getting tattoos, changing there styles, having certain hobbies, music, physical appearance. We express who we are on the outside because we are afraid people aren't going to understand us on the inside. 

     But in reality I don't think people ever really understand you.. I think the only person who gets to understand you fully is yourself. 

     I mean, why would you want someone to fully understand you anyway? Life is way more interesting when there's a challenge, when you have to actually think about what's going on inside another person's head. How much fun is that, when you already have someone figured out? Life's all about experiencing and learning. 

    Just remember that you will always be understood by one person, the one person who matters most, YOU. Even if you don't get yourself yet, don't rush it because once you do find him or her, it's beautiful. 

To Find Serenity..

If your strength is weak, don't carry heavy burdens.

I kind of enjoy not having a clock in my room.. it's one of those things in my life I do to try and break away from reality. When there's nothing telling you the time, you don't worry about being late, you don't worry about getting out of bed, you don't worry about rushing, you don't worry.


I've been over stressed lately. To the point where I have these fantasies of running away, somewhere far and exotic.. away from everyone and everything. I hate waking up just because my dreams are so much better than reality. I dream of beautiful places far away, in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but music and food.. sun and happiness.. love and peace.. serenity.


I feel like life itself has become some sort of clock.. making me feel rushed and worried.. fearing that I'll fall behind. 


It's so easy to tell someone to not worry.. to not be stressed.. to relax. But it's so much easier said than done. You are not me. I am not you. You don't live the life I live and I definitely don't live yours. There has to be a way for everyone to breakaway from the chains of life's clock.. A way to find serenity.


If you can't find serenity, you can't live your life to the fullest. We have to keep reminding ourselves everyday that today might be our last day. We have to remember to breathe. 


Just breathe.

To Win...

A smile is the best makeup any girl can wear.

There is nothing that aggravates a girl more than their enemy succeeding and being happy. Who can honestly say that they haven't gotten a little bit of enjoyment out of watching someone they hate suffer. As terrible as it sounds, we thrive on watching those we dislike struggle and fail. I know I do.

In my short life, I have come to learn that the best revenge in life is to succeed and be happy. The people who can't stand you would love nothing more than to watch you mess up & fall on your ass. 

It's pointless to waste your time trying to lower yourself to other peoples levels, when all you really have to do is continue with your life and prove that you are every thing that they can never be. 

We assume that with age and time people will learn to mature and focus with their own lives, but in reality people continue to worry about other people's lives and starting drama.. you just have to remember that your life is in your control.. and no person can come in between you and your goals. Continue to be yourself and succeed in all you do.

To Feel Someone Inside You..

I'll pull on your hair if you'll pull on my hips. Bring me closer because I need to feel you all over.

    It's about 4 am and a cool breeze blows through my window as my blinds make a shutter which wakes me up. You're laying next to me, not even affected by the shuttering above your head. I can't help but stare deeply at your unconscious face. It's so blank. Yet I can read your whole life story just staring at your sleeping face. You aren't a loud sleeper, but definitely a deep one. I lean up onto your chest and put my nose under your chin (you always sleep on your back, which seems so uncomfortable). You have this distinct scent.. not like a cologne or body wash... but like the actual smell of your skin. It's like a get a small high as I take a deep breathe in and inhale your scent.
    I'm so in love.
    Our bodies are pressed tightly together, and they fit perfectly, like two pieces of a puzzle that are custom created for one another. My room is so cold, and your body is giving off so much heat, I can't help but snuggle myself into your body warmth. You are everything I've ever dreamed of.. All I've ever wanted.
    There is no place in the world, at that moment, that I would rather be than lying naked in your arms.

   

To Deal With Whatever Life Throws At You..

I believe everything happens for a reason.

People change so you can learn to let them go.

Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they are right.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. 

- Marilyn Monroe

 

    It hasn't been long since I've written, just a long time since I've actually published any to my page. Seems as if every time I write an emotional, kick-ass blog entry, I just get a change in emotion and choose not to hit publish.
    But here I am, sitting on the small recliner in my room, with a million things on my mind and no words to say how I feel...
    Life has never been easy for me. From being a child, to young adult, up until now as a 21 year old woman, I've always seemed to have to face the most difficult obstacles. I'm just so used to dealing with the worst that nothing seems to surprise me anymore.
    Life is just a constant battle of working to the top.. getting knocked on your ass.. picking yourself up.. and going right back at it harder than before. There's a million things a day to stress about but only a handful of things actually worth letting yourself get worked up about.
    For the first time ever, I can honestly say I am sure of what I want for my future. To have good health, a partner to be with through it all, a job in my own spa, a decent income, happy family... I will not.. WILL NOT let anyone or anything get in my way of achieving these goals. I think that if more people had this attitude themselves then they wouldn't have the time to try to ruin the good things that other people have.


Everything happens for a reason I guess is what I'm rambling about...


We only have one life to live.. there's no redo button. (I wish!)