The Inevitable...

Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. 

- Garth Brooks 

All I smell is rubber and the sounds coming from the machines in the room are freaking me out. We've been waiting for what seems like 3 hrs now and we have yet to see a doctor. My dads laying on the bed with a gown on that makes him look like a little old man and his eyes are glassed over.. Looks like he's about to cry.

I haven't been to a hospital since I was 18 and I had my tonsils removed which was by far the most excruciating surgery of my life. I'm actually quite afraid of hospitals.. It's a place where so many lives come into the world, as well as leave. But I'm sitting here.. on this flimsy chair.. pretending to be occupied with my phone as the nurse draws blood from the guy on the bed across from us.

I think as children we never imagine our lives without our parents.. It's like they are indestructible. Then the second one of them gets sick it's like a complete low blow out of no where and we don't know what to do or how to feel. It was always them telling us what we should do to stay safe and healthy growing up, but now as i have become my own adult.. I see myself looking out for my parents health and giving them my opinion on their life decisions.

Mom.. Put on the sunscreen..
Dad.. Did you take your medicine ?

If you think about it.. we owe them as much time as they need since they cared for us for numerous years of our lives it's the least we can do in return.

It's just scary which is what I was trying to get at with all of this.. Scary when people you love are in pain and you don't know what is going to happen next. You know, I wish life was like one of those books where you can choose your own ending.. Get a chance to see both conclusions of how the story can go and then you can make the final decision.

But that's not how life goes. You never know what is going to happen next. You just have to be strong and hope that it all works out in your favor.

To Grow Up..

"happiness comes with the capacity
to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to
think freely, to risk life, to be needed."

    In exactly 54 days... I will be turning 21 years old. A day I have been waiting for since I first learned what alcohol and bars were.. yet the excitement I felt up to this point has begun to be taken over by an actual knot in my stomach. When did I grow up?

       At work the other day, my friend Nicole and I were discussing how amazing it is that we are soon going to be legally aloud into bars, and it sort of hit us as a shock.. 21. The thought that we would never be kids again sent an uncomfortable chill throughout our bodies. Turning 18.. 19.. even 20 are just less intimidating ages.. but 21.

     As I was laying in my bed this morning, I replayed all of my birthdays since the age of 16, and honestly I cant believe it's been 5 years since my sweet 16, seems like it was just yesterday. It's like our whole youth we always want to be one year older.. one step closer in life to where we want to be.. it's never good enough.. until you turn 21.. now I wish I could go back a year every birthday. 

    I get so emotional when I think about never being a teenager again. I mean, I've had the responsibilities of an adult for a very long time, but just the fact of telling others around me that I'm an adult.. and actually being recognized as one actually creeps me out. Like this is it.. this is the prime of my life.. I always told myself as a teenager that I would be doing so many things by the time I turned 21, and here I am and I definitely have a lot of expectations to live up to. 

    I guess it doesn't make sense to those who are still so young and naive, but hopefully, those who are at that point or way beyond it can relate to me in the fear of growing old.. of never being a kid again.

Sometimes I am happy..

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect.
It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.

     I've been having trouble sleeping these past few weeks.. I'm not sure if it's the new stress from my job, or just my anxiety kicking in. As I lye awake in my bed at night, I gaze out into the pitch black room and replay recent events in my mind over and over again.

     The man I love more than anyone in the world is not but 2 inches from my face.. lying on his back with his arms tucked behind his head. He's breathing heavy, yet making no sound, and his body is giving off an overabundance of heat, which I find myself using for comfort every night to fall back asleep. And he's completely out cold.. not aware one bit that I am lying next to him, eyes wide open, over analyzing every event of my life over and over again in my mind. 

    I find myself sobbing, quietly, yet loud enough for him to turn over and notice the tears pouring out of my eyes. He wraps his arms around me and tells me to breathe in and out slowly and not worry about things that haven't even happened yet. And in his arms, I find some sort of peace.. comfort.. happiness. 

    It takes him only a few minutes to fall back asleep, and even though I am still crying, I soon find myself asleep as well.. 

    Happiness can be defined in multiple ways, but I think it's different for everyone, for everyone has different things that bring joy to their lives. He is my happiness. 

    We are far from perfect, but I think that's what makes us so compatible.. the fact we differ in so many ways and come from such different backgrounds.. and can still find each other inside the other's heart. 

     We have been through more battles then two should endure at our age and I honestly can say nothing and NO ONE will come between the two of us.. because what we have is something we will not find anywhere else.. it's happiness. Pure, genuine happiness.

Now & Forever..

you can't expect to find the right someone 

until you know who you are,

what matters to you,

and what makes your heart happy.

   He was snoring so loud I actually woke up out of a dead sleep. It's always around 4:30 a.m. when his snoring gets really loud, but I don't mind. It's one of those weird little things that the person you love does that would normally drive you crazy. But I would be completely lost if he wasn't here doing it. 

    Just like right when my alarm clock goes off, and I hit the snooze button so many times that I'm actually late. He rolls over and just wraps his abnormally long arms around my entire body, and just pulls me in. Without even having to say anything, his body tells me good morning and I love you. To be able to share a bed with the man you have been through so much with and still have the same amount, if not, more love for one another than the first time, it's remarkable. I can honestly say that our love is real. Real, pure, unconditional love.

   They always say that you never realize what you have until it's gone, which in our case was so true. It took an awful event.. terrible decisions.. bad choices.. to make the two of us realize how dumb of an idea it was for us to be apart.. Two human beings such as ourselves, who love one another as passionately and deeply as we do, should not fight fate.. shouldn't fight the future that life has in store for us. We both knew deep down in our hearts what was supposed to be, where we were meant to end up, who we were supposed to love and spend our lives with.

   So this morning, with our bodies pressed firmly and perfectly against each others, waiting for the second snooze alarm to go off, we comfortably looked into each other's eyes. No pain, or confusion, or second thoughts, just two people who genuinely had unconditional love for one another. <3

I'm not sorry for being different..

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery,

none but ourselves can free our minds.

    It had to be the winter time, maybe early December, and I was about 15 years old. I sat at my small vanity and brushed my long blonde hair that reached down to the middle of my back. I stayed up late the night before, as I did every night, to rummage through my closet and pick the perfect outfit, along with wake up extra early to flat iron my hair. I had to be perfect.. I had to be like everyone else.

    As I grew up, I started to break away from what everyone else considered "cool" and started to really find who I was as an individual. Now, I don't think you will ever in your life be able to meet another human remotely similar to myself. 

    I think sometimes people get so consumed in worrying about what others think of them that they actually miss out on the chance to find out who they really are on the inside... I just find it a complete waste of time trying to make people see me as something I'm not when people should except me for me! If people don't want to except you for what you are, then they don't deserve you in their lives. 

   It really comes down to them being insecure & uncomfortable with themselves. I've noticed that even as I've grown into a young adult, I still face the drama that we try so hard to avoid. No matter where or what you do in life, it never really goes away. Girls will be girls, and if you are a confident, successful, secure woman, it's almost inevitable that those around you who are less secure about themselves will do anything and everything they possibly can to try and break you down. You just have to remember that you were given your body and personality for a reason, and it's your job to always be true to yourself and never be afraid to just be yourself!

   As I have written in permanent ink across my lower back, emancipate yourselves from mental slavery.. break away from the mold.. be who you were born to be.. 

You're right.. my blog does suck..

Too many people get caught up in what could be instead of appreciating what is. Don't fall into that trap; appreciate what you have and who you have.Because the future can take it all away from you

I hate when I find myself doing something I claim to hate so much.. today.. as I sat in my bed with makeup halfway down my face.. I realized I'm missing something huge from my life.. something that makes me so happy.. writing.

I always make fun of people who put so much heart and passion into a hobby and then one day become too preoccupied to do it, and just toss it aside like it means nothing. I found myself going from writing my deepest thoughts and feelings everyday to not even looking at my work, or allowing myself to sit for a moment and let out how I feel with my writing. It's honestly pathetic.

If you really love something, nothing or no one should ever come between you and that thing.  I honestly feel like I have been dishonest with myself these past few weeks.. like I've been depriving myself of a self medication that has always been there for me when I needed it the most..

So.. as I sat on my bed today.. completely fed up with everything in my routine, pathetic life, I realized that I really wasn't being fair to myself. I need to write. I need to put it out there. Regardless of what anyone has to say about it.. or the feedback I get from it.. it's just something I need to do in order to be myself.

Say what you want.. no one is telling anyone to read this.. I could give two shits if the person reading this wants to or not.. hence the disclaimer right before you log on.. this is me and I need to be who I am.

The Nook...

when you can't quite match your clothes 

or when you laugh at your own jokes 

that's when i love you.

   As I was laying on the couch the other night, snuggled up with my boyfriend, I found myself digging my head into his arm nook, right where his armpit begins. There's something about that spot on his body, my head fits perfectly, almost like we are two pieces to a puzzle. Then there's his scent, when I'm snuggled deep in his arms, I get this smell, not a cologne or deodorant but the actual smell of his skin, and it drives me absolutely crazy, the most sensual smell I have ever smelt. It sounds odd to say you like the smell of a man's armpit but it's just the scent that his body gives off that I find so irresistible.
   We find ourselves oddly attracted to things in the person we love that others may not understand. Like feet.. I absolutely despise feet, I find them to be the most disgusting thing on the planet. Yet, when I see the feet of the man I love, I'm totally fine I actually enjoy rubbing them. 
    I think that's what makes two people really in love, when you find things in one another that you can't live without, that others just can't understand.