You

No matter what you say or do, 

there's nothing you can do to make people understand you..

     I died my hair fire red this weekend... I swore to myself that my days of changing my hair color as much as my underwear were over. But I found myself waking up every morning and looking in the mirror at my platinum blonde hair saying, "I need to do something bold." So I  did.. 

     My whole life was always this constant battle of me trying to express who I really was on the inside.. I think that's a battle a lot of people face throughout their lives. Getting tattoos, changing there styles, having certain hobbies, music, physical appearance. We express who we are on the outside because we are afraid people aren't going to understand us on the inside. 

     But in reality I don't think people ever really understand you.. I think the only person who gets to understand you fully is yourself. 

     I mean, why would you want someone to fully understand you anyway? Life is way more interesting when there's a challenge, when you have to actually think about what's going on inside another person's head. How much fun is that, when you already have someone figured out? Life's all about experiencing and learning. 

    Just remember that you will always be understood by one person, the one person who matters most, YOU. Even if you don't get yourself yet, don't rush it because once you do find him or her, it's beautiful. 

To Find Serenity..

If your strength is weak, don't carry heavy burdens.

I kind of enjoy not having a clock in my room.. it's one of those things in my life I do to try and break away from reality. When there's nothing telling you the time, you don't worry about being late, you don't worry about getting out of bed, you don't worry about rushing, you don't worry.


I've been over stressed lately. To the point where I have these fantasies of running away, somewhere far and exotic.. away from everyone and everything. I hate waking up just because my dreams are so much better than reality. I dream of beautiful places far away, in the middle of nowhere, with nothing but music and food.. sun and happiness.. love and peace.. serenity.


I feel like life itself has become some sort of clock.. making me feel rushed and worried.. fearing that I'll fall behind. 


It's so easy to tell someone to not worry.. to not be stressed.. to relax. But it's so much easier said than done. You are not me. I am not you. You don't live the life I live and I definitely don't live yours. There has to be a way for everyone to breakaway from the chains of life's clock.. A way to find serenity.


If you can't find serenity, you can't live your life to the fullest. We have to keep reminding ourselves everyday that today might be our last day. We have to remember to breathe. 


Just breathe.

To Win...

A smile is the best makeup any girl can wear.

There is nothing that aggravates a girl more than their enemy succeeding and being happy. Who can honestly say that they haven't gotten a little bit of enjoyment out of watching someone they hate suffer. As terrible as it sounds, we thrive on watching those we dislike struggle and fail. I know I do.

In my short life, I have come to learn that the best revenge in life is to succeed and be happy. The people who can't stand you would love nothing more than to watch you mess up & fall on your ass. 

It's pointless to waste your time trying to lower yourself to other peoples levels, when all you really have to do is continue with your life and prove that you are every thing that they can never be. 

We assume that with age and time people will learn to mature and focus with their own lives, but in reality people continue to worry about other people's lives and starting drama.. you just have to remember that your life is in your control.. and no person can come in between you and your goals. Continue to be yourself and succeed in all you do.

To Feel Someone Inside You..

I'll pull on your hair if you'll pull on my hips. Bring me closer because I need to feel you all over.

    It's about 4 am and a cool breeze blows through my window as my blinds make a shutter which wakes me up. You're laying next to me, not even affected by the shuttering above your head. I can't help but stare deeply at your unconscious face. It's so blank. Yet I can read your whole life story just staring at your sleeping face. You aren't a loud sleeper, but definitely a deep one. I lean up onto your chest and put my nose under your chin (you always sleep on your back, which seems so uncomfortable). You have this distinct scent.. not like a cologne or body wash... but like the actual smell of your skin. It's like a get a small high as I take a deep breathe in and inhale your scent.
    I'm so in love.
    Our bodies are pressed tightly together, and they fit perfectly, like two pieces of a puzzle that are custom created for one another. My room is so cold, and your body is giving off so much heat, I can't help but snuggle myself into your body warmth. You are everything I've ever dreamed of.. All I've ever wanted.
    There is no place in the world, at that moment, that I would rather be than lying naked in your arms.

   

To Deal With Whatever Life Throws At You..

I believe everything happens for a reason.

People change so you can learn to let them go.

Things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they are right.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. 

- Marilyn Monroe

 

    It hasn't been long since I've written, just a long time since I've actually published any to my page. Seems as if every time I write an emotional, kick-ass blog entry, I just get a change in emotion and choose not to hit publish.
    But here I am, sitting on the small recliner in my room, with a million things on my mind and no words to say how I feel...
    Life has never been easy for me. From being a child, to young adult, up until now as a 21 year old woman, I've always seemed to have to face the most difficult obstacles. I'm just so used to dealing with the worst that nothing seems to surprise me anymore.
    Life is just a constant battle of working to the top.. getting knocked on your ass.. picking yourself up.. and going right back at it harder than before. There's a million things a day to stress about but only a handful of things actually worth letting yourself get worked up about.
    For the first time ever, I can honestly say I am sure of what I want for my future. To have good health, a partner to be with through it all, a job in my own spa, a decent income, happy family... I will not.. WILL NOT let anyone or anything get in my way of achieving these goals. I think that if more people had this attitude themselves then they wouldn't have the time to try to ruin the good things that other people have.


Everything happens for a reason I guess is what I'm rambling about...


We only have one life to live.. there's no redo button. (I wish!)

The Inevitable...

Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. 

- Garth Brooks 

All I smell is rubber and the sounds coming from the machines in the room are freaking me out. We've been waiting for what seems like 3 hrs now and we have yet to see a doctor. My dads laying on the bed with a gown on that makes him look like a little old man and his eyes are glassed over.. Looks like he's about to cry.

I haven't been to a hospital since I was 18 and I had my tonsils removed which was by far the most excruciating surgery of my life. I'm actually quite afraid of hospitals.. It's a place where so many lives come into the world, as well as leave. But I'm sitting here.. on this flimsy chair.. pretending to be occupied with my phone as the nurse draws blood from the guy on the bed across from us.

I think as children we never imagine our lives without our parents.. It's like they are indestructible. Then the second one of them gets sick it's like a complete low blow out of no where and we don't know what to do or how to feel. It was always them telling us what we should do to stay safe and healthy growing up, but now as i have become my own adult.. I see myself looking out for my parents health and giving them my opinion on their life decisions.

Mom.. Put on the sunscreen..
Dad.. Did you take your medicine ?

If you think about it.. we owe them as much time as they need since they cared for us for numerous years of our lives it's the least we can do in return.

It's just scary which is what I was trying to get at with all of this.. Scary when people you love are in pain and you don't know what is going to happen next. You know, I wish life was like one of those books where you can choose your own ending.. Get a chance to see both conclusions of how the story can go and then you can make the final decision.

But that's not how life goes. You never know what is going to happen next. You just have to be strong and hope that it all works out in your favor.

To Grow Up..

"happiness comes with the capacity
to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to
think freely, to risk life, to be needed."

    In exactly 54 days... I will be turning 21 years old. A day I have been waiting for since I first learned what alcohol and bars were.. yet the excitement I felt up to this point has begun to be taken over by an actual knot in my stomach. When did I grow up?

       At work the other day, my friend Nicole and I were discussing how amazing it is that we are soon going to be legally aloud into bars, and it sort of hit us as a shock.. 21. The thought that we would never be kids again sent an uncomfortable chill throughout our bodies. Turning 18.. 19.. even 20 are just less intimidating ages.. but 21.

     As I was laying in my bed this morning, I replayed all of my birthdays since the age of 16, and honestly I cant believe it's been 5 years since my sweet 16, seems like it was just yesterday. It's like our whole youth we always want to be one year older.. one step closer in life to where we want to be.. it's never good enough.. until you turn 21.. now I wish I could go back a year every birthday. 

    I get so emotional when I think about never being a teenager again. I mean, I've had the responsibilities of an adult for a very long time, but just the fact of telling others around me that I'm an adult.. and actually being recognized as one actually creeps me out. Like this is it.. this is the prime of my life.. I always told myself as a teenager that I would be doing so many things by the time I turned 21, and here I am and I definitely have a lot of expectations to live up to. 

    I guess it doesn't make sense to those who are still so young and naive, but hopefully, those who are at that point or way beyond it can relate to me in the fear of growing old.. of never being a kid again.