Your lips..

I can't feel my feet, or my legs for that matter. I close my eyes, try to focus, try to feel.

Every time your lips touch my stomach, my body sends a sharp chill from my lower abdomen into my throat. Your hands coincide with your mouth, grazing from my chest, to my belly, then my inner thighs.  


My back arches up, and my palms begin to sweat. I grasp your forearms which are pressed against my hips, and I squeeze harder with every breath I take.


For those ten minutes, I'm completely vulnerable. You stimulate every sense within my body, using only one part of yours. The most intimate, personal feeling I have ever experienced in my entire life.

My heart is now pounding, echoing in my head so loud I can barely hear your heavy breathing.

For the first time, I am unable to think. I can't stress, I can't analyze. I can only feel.

To live without air

As your car turns the corner, my palms get sweaty and my heart begins to race. Pressure then fills my chest and I find myself sinking into the seat, moving my body low enough where my eyes are even with the dashboard. My hands start to shake, and my left eye twitches. 

I have these amazing nights with you. Nights where I've never felt more alive, more happy, more at peace. You know I don't want to go home, and I think it kills you a little inside every time you pull up to my house. But I have to get out, I have to go in.

Home isn't exactly the best word in the situation. Lets say bed. I have to go to bed. Home isn't a location to me, more so a feeling of trust, relaxation, comfort, a place where I can live at peace, or something I feel when connecting with a person.

I remember being a little girl, getting so excited about going to a sleepover. I would pack way too many things just to stay over night, where we would watch silly movies and eat ice cream. But as soon as the lights would go out, and everyone was in their little sleeping bags, I would get an awful pit in my stomach. I would get up, go into my friend's parent's room and cry that I wanted to call my mom and go home.

The feeling of home to me now is different, not a place, but a physical state of mind. You carry it with you and share it with someone else in life.

But this place where you bring me is not home.

Addiction is what it is. It's a demon that overcomes a person's soul and makes them say and do things they would never think to say or do sober. It transforms the people you love into monsters. The anxiety of not knowing what you will open the door to that day can make even the strongest of people break. Yet I've been doing it for so long you'd think I would have found a way to master it all. I have not. I may never. The best I can do is pick up all my broken pieces and find a way to better my own life. You can only try so hard to help someone you love, when you have been trying for so long. 

But I find hope, knowing that even though I am saying goodnight to you, I am not saying goodbye. I will see you again. And I will feel at home, because I have found the feeling of home inside you. I keep this in the back of my head as I walk through the door. 

There is a tomorrow and if tomorrow was anything like today, there is a reason to keep going.

To be okay..

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back

The less I give the more I get back

Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise.

As I opened my right eye, a sharp pain shot through my head. It had to have been early in the morning, since the sun was peaking gently through the blinds. Gentle, yet enough to remind me of how much I had drank the night before. 

Everything looks different in the light of day. My skin was a slight shade of red, and my hair reeked of alcohol and sweat. After a few minutes, I gained back feeling throughout the rest of my body, and wrapped my naked self up in the thin sheets I was lying on. I turned to where he was asleep. 

I stared blankly at this man, this handsome person who had recently stepped foot into my life. Without a thought in my head, I watched his chest as he took air in, and let it out. It was bare, and beautiful, as it expanded with each breath he took.

I gently took my hand out from under the covers to place it on his arm, which was larger than both of mine put together. I touched his skin, careful to keep him asleep, yet enough for me to take in the texture of his body.   

It was a night filled with passion and lust. With no worries, no cares in the world. Just two people who genuinely enjoyed each other's company. A night even someone as descriptive as myself couldn't put into words. It was a feeling I hadn't felt in years, a feeling I thought I'd never find again.

I've never felt more alive. I feel sexy. I feel appreciated. I feel happy. 

I don't know what we are, and I almost don't want to ask. I don't want to jeopardize something I feel no second thoughts about. My whole life I have questioned things and pushed people away as a result of my racing, overworked mind. All I know is I enjoy how I feel, I don't want it from anyone else and I don't want it to go away. 

As I moved my hand across the surface of his soft skin, I stopped myself from saying anything. Sometimes the best things in life are left unsaid. I sat there over his large body, with so many words and emotions I wanted to share, yet nothing came out of my mouth. 

I quietly crawled my way back under the sheets, and squirmed my body into a position where our naked bodies touched the other's just so perfectly. I closed my eyes and gently exhaled.

It was at that moment I realized I was going to be okay. I'm finally going to be okay. 

To get what you deserve..

"Turning my stumbling blocks into stepping stones."

There comes a point in your life when you realize that you deserve more than what you've been getting. You can only do so much for someone until one day you wake up, like "shit.. what am I doing?". I feel like I have such low standards as for what I want in my life and for the people in it. Why should I?

People don't see how amazing they are until someone either treats them like shit or until someone else treats them better. We walk down the road of life with blinders on our eyes, only seeing what we are led to see. Then something happens in your heart, in your soul, and you suddenly see what you should be getting, how you should be treated, you see what you deserve.

Life is a constant battle, and from personal experience I've come to the realization that it will never be easy. But it can be better. Why settle for something when there is something amazing out there for you, someone amazing. It may take time, weeks, months, maybe years, but what is meant to happen will always find a way to happen. Your life is an open book and no one knows the ending, no one knows what each chapter will bring. Be all you can be and become one with your inner self. If you don't connect with who you are as a person on the inside, you will never be able to fully give your heart to another. 

I am absolutely exhausted. From work, relationships, life in general. I just want it to be easy. I will do everything humanly possible to make myself happy again, no matter what it takes.

To find inner peace..

"Those who do not move, do not notice their chains."

I find it difficult to stand still in life. What pleasure can one have if they constantly do the same things everyday? If we fall into the hole of routine, we may never be to able pull ourselves out of it.

If you never take a leap, you'll never know what could have been. After all, if things are meant to be, they will always find a way to work themselves out. You have to take a chance sometimes, and just do whatever your heart tells you, without thinking of what you may lose. 

I've been struggling a lot these past few weeks between what my mind is telling me, and what my heart is feeling. Making pretty rash decisions and taking chances I'd never imagine myself taking. But every night before I close my eyes, I get a small sense of relief that I'm finally doing what I need to do to make myself happy. 

Once you obtain peace between you and the universe, it's almost like anything is possible. Getting there can take you years, it may even take your whole life. But I believe finding your inner purpose in this world just may be the greatest satisfaction one can achieve. 

One day soon I will find my inner serenity. I'll find an escape from the anxiety, from the routines, from the constant drive to want be better at all that I do. I'll find my peace.

300 pounds on your chest..

“Life is ten percent what you experience and ninety percent how you respond to it.”

 

I didn't sleep at all last night. Had an extremely emotional day to follow. Now, I find myself again up at 4 am, with nothing but a headache and anxiety.

Anxiety is so difficult to describe to people who don't suffer from attacks. I'll be quietly sitting in bed with not a care in the world then all of a sudden, BOOM, my chest gets this sharp pain. My eye sockets become heavy, my hands begin to shake, my head feels like it has separated from my body. It's the worst fucking feeling in the world. There is not one thought you can run through your head to calm down your overworking mind, it's like the only way to get through it is to sit there and sometimes just fucking cry.

I've suffered from the attacks since I was a little girl, most of the time not even knowing it was happening as it overcame my body. But as I got older, I began to learn what was happening to me, that I wasn't just crazy. But the more I learned about them the worse they got.

So, here I am. 4 am.Restless in my bed, with what feels like 300 pounds pressing down on my chest.

It was raining about 10 minutes ago, which was kind of a therapeutic background noise for me. But now I only hear the loud hum of the air conditioner downstairs coinciding with the deep exhales I find myself letting out as I attempt to breathe away some of this anxiety.

I know most people have their own shit that fucks with their daily routine of life, and if they don't, then I envy them. I guess some people are given certain things to face in life because our bodies and minds were entrusted to handle it. Someone like me was meant to carry this burden so that someone else who couldn't handle it would be okay. I just have to remind myself on a daily basis that this is not the end of the world. Things will get better.

Time..

Life's like an hour glass glued to the table..

So I find myself in a similar situation yet again...

I'm sitting alone in a small corner of the hospital waiting room. There's noises coming from all directions.. three TVs all on different channels are at full volume.. there's phones ringing.. and I can hear bits and pieces of conversations from everyone around me.

The woman next to me is reading what looks like a love novel, breezing through the book faster that I can probably read one paragraph. Her husband is in the operating room getting what I thought I heard the nurse say was heart surgery. Yet her face is completely straight as she buries her face inside her book.

The older gentleman across from me is sitting with a younger girl, picking at his hands in what looks to be anxiety, while his brother goes in for what I overheard was a double knee replacement.

And to my right diagonally, sits two young parents, holding each other's hands while their 4 year old girl is getting her tonsils removed and ears worked on. Their faces completely showing their fear and anxiousness.

Then there's me. My dad is undergoing surgery on his right shoulder, which should have been done years ago, where the doctor is going to try to repair whatever is left up there. I'm not nervous, I know he will be okay, but I find myself chewing on my nails as I look around this waiting room that is filled with so many different people from so many different backgrounds.

I think we take so much of what we have in life for granted. The one thing you can never get back is time. You can turn your life completely around from bad and make your dreams come true, but you will never be able to get back the minute that just passed.


Life is not easy, I've learned that the hard way, but we have to learn to appreciate those moments of joy as deeply as we can while they are here. Because time is not something you can ever get back once it is gone.


The room is slowly clearing out, each person going to those who are finished in the operating room. Still no news on my father but I am confident that he will be okay, because he still has a lot of life to go, a lot of time to live.